Legolas' Trip to the Moon
by Captain Cutlas
Summary: Hey you! Lardo! If you like nonsense and you like to laugh then read me! I'm continued from Legolas Swims in a swamp. I have candy!


Well ahoy there matey! I've decided to make a second story to Legolas Swims in a Swamp. I's hope yah enjoys it me scurvy knave! If not, I'll gut yah! Yarrr!  
  
Legolas' Trip to the Moon  
  
For many days Legolas ate house cats and pencil droppings. He was alone in the strange land that the box of Fiddle Faddle had transported him to. It had just promptly set him down then died. Legolas could only assume he was in the hated land of Mordor! A paint ball gun enduced shiver ran up Legolas' pinky. Not knowing what to do, Legolas ate what he could and dreamed of wearing the pants of frogs once more in Mirkwood.  
  
Without warning, Treebeard-the-not-so-quick-at-doing-things appeared by Legolas. Startled, Legolas leapt onto a pebble and it carried him away from Treebeard.  
  
"Faster!!" Legolas cried to the pebble as it floated around a puddle. Seeing he was getting no where and Treebeard was scratching a couch, Legolas dismounted the pebble and swam ashore.  
  
"Hello Treebeard. What brings you here? Do you know the way home?" Legolas raised an eyebrow questioningly when Treebeard just continued to scratch the couch and shake his fist at the waning moon. Legolas had no patience for Tomfoolery so he hacked Treebeard up and made him into firewood.  
  
That night Legolas sat by a fire that snapped crackled and popped! He ate a bowl of Captain Crunch and took a dust bath. When the sun came up, Legolas leapt upon it and it bucked him clean off! He was thrown all the way to Gondor and landed on Eowyn, crushing her. She sang to a crowned cougar then fell to her death off of a penny.  
  
The dead body of Theoden did a somersault over to Legolas and cried out like a little girl, "Why did you taste the sweet nectar of the fried elephant?!?! Your insults have made the crying babe drown in its balloooooooooooon!" Theoden's spooky ghost body flew about Legolas and spit up flaming balls of Cheetos( at him.  
  
Riding in on a green colored horse, Arwen stopped in Rohirriam. She was missing an eye, her left arm was completely gone and her head sported an elephant shaped bald spot. The skin on her right shin was completely peeled away to reveal a shiny new silver spoon.  
  
"Legolas!" She cried. "I'm not dead!! The dustaringles simply took a little bite out of me. I'm alive!!! Thank the Valor! I can still beat up children and tamper with crime evidence!!" Happily she clung to Legolas and kicked over a cow.  
  
"It is wonderful that you are alive and well, Arwen. But I must be on my way. The aging turtle waits naught for the rising yeast," With that Legolas turned to walk away but Arwen yelped and clung to his long golden hair.  
  
"Does't thou not care for me!?!?!" She wailed and frightened off a curious jackrabbit. "I am in terrible danger for the dustaringles will find me!! They see all!" She grabbed at Legolas' cloths and did an Irish jig.  
  
Tired of her antics and angry at the clouds, Legolas shouted curses at a school bus of children. "I will help you then Arwen! But you must leave me alone afterwards, I have no time for a spoiled brat who has a drag queen for a father." With that, Legolas pulled out his card board box and prepared for an attack from the dustaringles.  
  
The translucent pack of windowpanes flew down out of a beaver's nose and straight towards Legolas. He was ready for them but they suddenly veered away and drowned in pudding. Seeing Arwen was finally safe, Legolas turned his back to her.  
  
"Heeeeeeeelp! They've got me!!" A virtual horde of brown colored cotton swabs crawled up Arwen's leg. They chewed at her flesh and mated within her skin. Her terrible screams of pain floated over Rohan and mooses howled out to her cries. Legolas quickly stole Arwen's horse and urged it to run away. The horse however deflated and was gobbled up by Theoden's spirit.  
  
Legolas sat down on the ground, eating popcorn, and watched Arwen frantically claw at the cotton swabs. She fell beneath their many numbers and they feasted upon her as well as lay their jello-eggs in her brain. Faramir sat down next to Legolas and watched as well.  
  
"Tell me Faramir, can you lend me a strapping young goat's hoof? I need to get back to Mirkwood. Surely my ants are fit to burst and I need to give them a reindeer to halt their hateful marching," Eagerly Legolas clutched Faramir's arm, looking very worried.  
  
"Of course Legolas! I have many goat hooves to spare! You can fly away on my fastest one," He plucked from his shirt pocket a goat's hoof. It squealed and barked at the sunlight. Placing a fist over his heart, Legolas bowed slightly and boarded the hoof. It flew away. Faramir waved a wet noodle good bye and went back to shifting through trashcans.  
  
The goat's hoof was getting weary from its flight so Legolas had it dock at Lothlorien. There he mingled with grizzly bears and chatted with old hats. He was glad to see Lorien. It was like a table away from home. He allowed the hoof to drink some ice but that made it so hot it blew up. Weighed down with grief, Legolas stumbled right into the Balrog from Moria.  
  
The Balrog was sipping tea and eating crumpets. It growled at Legolas and threw up Bag End along with Bilbo and Celeborn.  
  
"Hello there Legolas!" Celeborn skipped about, happy to be free of the Balrog's living room. Wrinkling up his nose and creasing his brow, Legolas frowned deeply. He could already tell nothing had changed since he left and everyone was still acting queer.  
  
Speaking of queer.Merry and Pippin dug their way out a Pizza Pocket(. They were no longer savage, cannibalistic tribe members. Instead they opted to be themselves the way they truly were. The two Haflings wear caressing each other's hairy over-sized feet.  
  
Turning to Merry, Pippin said "I haven't been completely honest with my feelings.Do you remember the night we went dancing at the river side? And Frodo was so drunk that he forced us to kiss each other? Well.do you remember how we sucked each other's faces for five minutes straight?" Merry just nodded slowly, enthralled by hearing Pippin talk.  
  
"I lied when I said it lasted so long because our braces were stuck together!! Merry, we don't wear braces!!" Pippin blurted out loud and blushed a crimson red. The two Hobbits stood and faced each other, the starlight reflecting off the surface of a fat man's ass right into Legolas' eyes, blinding him.  
  
Pippin parted his lips in an exasperated manner. Merry leaned forward, sucking in his breath so deeply he pulled Pippin in. Pippin was pulled clean off his feet and into Merry's lungs. Lodged in them, Pippin filled all the passageways. Merry drowned on Pippin. Legolas gasped at the horrific sight unfolding before him. Pippin had no choice but to eat his way out of Merry. He then cooked Merry up and ate him for second breakfast.  
  
At that moment Legolas decided to go shoplift from the local pharmacy. There he met Grima Wormtongue. Grima was licking up bleach; it dripped from his pale slimy lips and coated his yellowish green teeth.  
  
"Hello Elven Prince!" Grima bowed and groveled. He hoped to have someone kick and abuse him as well as call him vile names. He felt all warm and tingly inside every time Sarumon kicked him in the side or face.  
  
Repulsed, Legolas swooned over a drinking fountain. It cawed and clawed at Aragorn's eyes. When the fountain was done peeing, a steady stream of oranges, it turned into stone and ran away. With that, Frodo shinnied up Legolas' back shouting "Yoo-daa-loo-daa-hoo!! Take me to a lagoon!"  
  
"AAAAAHHHH!!" With a startled scream, Legolas fell backward from Frodo's suddenly added weight. They both plunged down a well.  
  
Sam leaped in after them shouting to Frodo, "Mr. Frodo!! Don't leave without your Sam! I'm the only one who changes your diapers!"  
  
Legolas chewed some carrots and thought dark thoughts. They revolved around mayonnaise-covered glasses and moss-strewn question marks. He stored both Frodo and Sam in his pockets and walked around K-Mart. The employees thought he was stealing and chased him out onto a yellow brick road. There he went with the whole Wizard of Oz gang to the Space Needle. They dinned on the flesh of David Duchovny and danced to the Star Trek movie. The End.  
  
Yee-haw! Wasn't that fun!? I reckon I could whip up another tall tale like this un! Woo-hoo! Onions only fly at the stroke of noon. 


End file.
